He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
