She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
