What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
