What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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