My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
