I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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