he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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