I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
