remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
