I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
