And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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