i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
