Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
