Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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