Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dicks are not precious.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
