I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
