I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
