I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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