oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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