My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
