It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
