just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
