I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
