great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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