are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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