i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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