I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
