You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
