I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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