You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
