Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
