he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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