You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
