She is in my trunk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
