you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
