I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
