Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
