I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
