swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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