Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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