____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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