Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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