My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
