I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
