I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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