she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
