he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
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Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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