i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
