dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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