Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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