It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
