I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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